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Be Careful ... Your Sex Machine Can Be Used with Evil Intentions

What Did You Learn at CES?

By Graham Stroker, January 11, 2011

January marks a new year for those of us following the Gregorian calendar. This means a lot of drinking on New Year’s Eve and hangovers the following day. It also renews the hope that maybe this year you’ll stop eating donuts for breakfast and pizza and beer for every other meal, actually go to the gym, and maybe shave your private parts. Well, why don’t you just forget all that crap? You know you just do it so you can get women in bed.

My Robot Would Sing and Play the Guitar After I Banged Her Like a Drum

That’s why you only need one resolution in 2011: Build your own girlfriend.

On second thought, your feminine creation shouldn’t be called a girlfriend or wife. That would mean a lot of nagging.

Instead, let’s call her a sex machine.

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Damn; that doesn’t really seem to work either, does it? Well, you can just give her a unique pet name. Anyway, let’s move on, shall we?

The three routes you can go in ascending order of realism are robotic, cybernetic and synthetic. You nerdy types out there will probably like the former since it would take less time to build, and you’ve probably had a boner for KOS-MOS ever since holding the Xenosaga case in EB Games (now Game Stop). You just might want to replace the weapon systems with tools to facilitate cleaning and beer-fetching. (Scratch that: Nerds drink energy drinks, not alcohol.) Also, you might always want to be on top. Metal can be heavy, unless you construct her frame solely from titanium.

Sometimes a Thin Aluminum Chassis Cannot Support Huge Boobs

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Perhaps you want more flexibility from your end result but also find titillating the idea of banging a robot. In this case, you want to peruse hospitals for a woman that was pretty before her near fatal car accident most likely the result of too much holiday drinking. Before the doctors pull the plug, tell them that you want to fuse her body with robotic parts to not only keep her alive but offer some important augmentations (e.g., bigger breasts).

Bingo! You’ve just fabricated a cybernetic woman.

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If you are completely repulsed by engaging in sexual relations with a machine but are sick to death of everything a woman offers aside from sexual relief, then you will want to construct a synthetic human–in other words, an android. She will technically be a machine, but she won’t look or feel like one. You can create her from something that feels like human flesh, such as electrical rubber. Or you could really go the whole-nine-yards and get some stem cell research facility to grow you skin and fat (for the breasts and buttocks). When the process is complete, you should have something so woman-like that it will fool everyone but yourself.

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Regardless of chosen path, your last step is to program her thought process to be devoid of anything you deem irritating. Now you have a hot babe that will really pay attention to the game as well as give you a sexy half-time show. Or you will have a cutie that will enthusiastically play video games with you when her hands aren’t on your joystick.

Whatever the case, good luck!

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