Archive for February, 2011
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- Megan Christine Wants a Rough and Sexy Valentine’s Day!
by Graham Stroker, February 14, 2011
People that say being single on Valentine’s Day sucks should have black roses jammed down their throats to prevent them from uttering such a clichéd phrase, especially since it’s untrue. That’s right. In reality the opposite is true. Think I just ate a sour batch of candy hearts? Well think again. I don’t touch those cursed chalk fragments, and if I did, and the package happened to contain a soured product, I would be happier than Hallmark’s corporate headquarters on the fifteenth. Sour flavors are my favorite.
But, before I delve into why it rules to be single on Valentine’s Day, I will first say that the “holiday” is a pile of garbage. Since it was originally associated with at least one Saint Valentine—there were three of them—you can bet all the money you are going to waste on overpriced chocolates whose cost is accounted for almost solely by the tacky packaging that Christians invented the day to offset the Pagan Lupercalia.
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In modern times, where people worship money instead of deities, it has morphed into a greed-driven frenzy that makes decadence look pastoral. The repetitive advertising has become so ingrained in most people’s minds that women actually get upset if something special isn’t done for them. Like they needed some other bogus societal establishment to prey on their emotions. Well I say screw it. If you are in a relationship, you should be showing affection to your partner more than once a year. And affection isn’t ridiculous gifts–it’s sincere empathy.
Fortunately, you singles out there don’t have to buy a damn thing. So if you have a secret crush, don’t get the crazy notion of sneaking an overpriced necklace into her purse. In fact, don’t even bother with her. Go to the bar and pick up single women. Remember: Valentine’s Day has been so instilled in their minds that their singleness means tanked self-esteem. Still aren’t with me? Let me spell it out for you: E A S Y. There you go. You don’t even have to get a gift. You probably won’t even have to buy her a drink because she will be drowning her sorrows in her fifth Long Island. Just show her some support and she’ll probably latch right onto your arm…and dick.
So there you have it. Go have a one-night stand with some depressed dame. It will be as easy as eating cake. Homemade cake, not those processed monstrosities sodden with red and pink frosting.
However, if you really want to celebrate this insipid conception, make a card. Get some nice construction paper, sit down, and take some time to write and draw something nice with a Sharpie. It’s cheap and straight from your heart, not some diamond mine where squalidly paid Africans starve to death if they aren’t first killed by a rival government or pack of rebels. If your partner doesn’t like that, dump her gold-digging ass.
Whatever you do, don’t have an anti-Valentine’s Day party. That is even more stupid. You would be wasting just as much money to protest it on the same day it was happening. Mass anti-conformity is conformity. Don’t do anything, except bang sad chicks.








































